Mike Kueber's Blog

February 13, 2012

Everyone should have a soulmate for Valentine’s Day

Filed under: Culture,Philosophy — Mike Kueber @ 7:09 pm
Tags: , , ,

Although the concept of a soulmate seems to have been of recent vintage, it has actually been around since ancient times.  According to Greek mythology, our ancestors had two heads and four arms, and as punishment for some evil act, a god split them into two, and they spend the rest of their lives looking for their other half. 

English philosopher Sir Thomas More in the 1500s described a soulmate as “someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the communication and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace. This kind of relationship is so important to the soul that many have said there is nothing more precious in life.”

A modern day soulmate is similar to the earlier ones – i.e., a soulmate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity, similarity, love, sex, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, or compatibility.

While researching my previous blog on Valentine’s Day love, I stumbled across a website – wikiHow – that that I thought was exceptionally well-written and informative.  Its article on love cross-referenced an article on “How to find a soulmate,” and I found that article to be of similarly high quality.  As with its “love” article, the first sentence in the soulmate article completely won me over – “Many people feel that there’s one person out there who can enrich your life in a way that no one else can.”  That description floored me.  What a completely unique perspective on what a soulmate is.

The article provides five insightful steps to help you in find a soulmate:

  1. Make yourself a better person. Instead of waiting for your soulmate to appear, make yourself apparent to him or her. Become the spectacular human being you want to be. Expressing your individuality is the closest you can come to advertising your soulmate potential. Not only will you stand out, but you’ll also be doing things that are more likely to bring you closer to your soulmate, who probably has similar interests and goals.  (Or as I would say, “be comfortable in your own skin.”)
  2. Remember that your soulmate might not be what you expect. If there’s only one person in the world who can be your soulmate, what are the chances that she’ll live in your town, look like the people you grew up with, or even speak the same language? If you’re expecting your soulmate to be love at first sight, you might never find what you’re looking for. So keep an open mind. Part of the romance of having a soulmate is being pleasantly surprised.  (Or as I would say, “don’t be looking for Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.)
  3. Be patient. Fate doesn’t work on a schedule. Your soulmate might cross your path when you’re 8 or 80 years old. Yes, you might look forward to spending the majority of your life with your soulmate–perhaps buying a house, getting married, starting a family–but it may or may not be in the cards. A soulmate isn’t always a lifemate. Your soulmate will color your world no matter how old you are, so don’t rush into things, or else you might end up forcing the wrong person into the soulmate box, which will cause pain for everyone involved.  (Or as I would say, “Don’t settle.”)
  4. Accept people for who they are, not who you want them to be. When you’ve got all these fantasies flying around in your head about how wonderful and special your soulmate will be, it can be easy to look for those specific characteristics and features in anyone you get involved with. Unfortunately, unrealistic expectations can ruin a relationship, and might even chase your soulmate away. Whoever it is that you think might be your soulmate, appreciate their individuality and trust that if this person is your soulmate, they’ll never need to change who they are for you, just like you’ll never need to change who you are for them.  (Or as I would say, “focus on your responsibility – i.e., you.”) 
  5. Weather the storms. Weather the storms. Contrary to what popular media would have you believe, meeting your soulmate doesn’t guarantee “happily ever after.” Things won’t get easier when you find that special someone and in fact, they might get even harder. Ultimately, a soulmate is someone you can grow with, and the only way to grow together is to face challenges together. So if you put your heart and soul into a relationship, stick with it through the ups and downs, even when you question whether it’s meant to be, and you might look back decades later and realize that you were with your soulmate all along.  (Much of the great soulmate experience comes easy so that you might not realize that you need to work at it to reach the zenith potential.)

There’s someone out there who can enrich your life beyond measure.  If you have found that person already, thank your lucky stars and don’t screw it up.  If you haven’t, don’t be discouraged.  Hope springs eternal.





  1. If there’s one thing that life has managed to pound into me–one useful insight that has made a real difference in the quality of my my life and relationships–it’s your number 4.

    You can either accept friends and lovers as they are, or have fantasy’s of fixing them, and incur alienation and resentment.

    I hope you manage to find someone that makes your life richer. You’re a good man.

    Comment by Anonymous — February 14, 2012 @ 2:03 am | Reply

    • Thanks, Anonymous. But isn’t #4 a standard guy-thing – i.e., we want to accept each as we are, while women invariably want to change the guy for the better.

      For example, today I had an exchange of emails from my still-angry ex-wife (after six years) re: my blog posting. She closed one email as follows:

      “I don’t think you have the capability to feel real love and sustain it. I’m just talking from my heart (which was broken). Can a person really, really change?? I can’t say for a fact, but given the years that I tried to change you, I’d have to say in your case – NO. In fact, that was one of the straws that broke my back – your constant “I’m not going to change” over & over , but the last time was in the parking lot of Rawlinson Middle school. The rest is ugly history.”

      Comment by Mike Kueber — February 14, 2012 @ 2:17 am | Reply

  2. Look, if you love someone, you accept them, and allow them to feel felt. In a good relationship, one negotiates and horse-trades behaviors all the time (“You stop slurping your soup, and I’ll stop interrupting you in front of your friends.”) And a supportive, loving relationship helps us grow, and gives us the emotional support to help us grow into our best selves.

    But coming into an intimate relationship with the expectation (or, worse yet, demand) that the other change: that’s soul-destroying for both parties. I’m sorry about your divorce, and it’s clear that it has been painful for both of you. But re-litigating the past and making love conditional makes for unhappiness, defensiveness, and non-intimacy.

    So run for that subway, Mike!

    Comment by Anonymous — February 14, 2012 @ 3:59 pm | Reply

  3. […] Everyone should have a soulmate for Valentine’s Day (mkueber001.wordpress.com) […]

    Pingback by Love: The mystery has finally been solved. « YO! IT'S MAY… — February 16, 2012 @ 6:09 am | Reply

    • May, after reading your profile, I think we might be soulmates, except for your love of cuisine. So what if you are 23 and I am 58.

      Comment by Mike Kueber — February 16, 2012 @ 11:13 am | Reply

  4. […] Everyone should have a soulmate for Valentine’s Day (mkueber001.wordpress.com) Share this:TwitterFacebookStumbleUponLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. […]

    Pingback by This Time Around | The Life and Crimes Of Mistress Rosie — February 19, 2012 @ 4:35 pm | Reply

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