Mike Kueber's Blog

April 5, 2012

What if conservatives decided to leave their liberal partners?

Filed under: Issues,Politics — Mike Kueber @ 9:17 pm
Tags: , , ,

The following proposal was sent to me by an ultra-conservative friend.  It describes a proposed separation agreement between conservative Americans and liberal Americans and could have been written by Ayn Rand.  I wonder if I am missing something because it seems to make sense.  If you are a liberal or progressive, please explain to me what is wrong with this sentiment.


Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, and Obama supporters, et al.:

We have stuck together since the late 1950’s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.  Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way. 

The following is a proposed separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part because 90% of the American landmass is currently red, and only 10 percent is blue (the West Coast and the central cities), but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.  You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.  We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.  You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell.  You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.  You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.  We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks.  We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.  You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.  We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.  You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill.

We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.  You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.  We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.  We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.”

I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine,” “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing,” “Kum Ba Ya,” or “We Are the World.”

We’ll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.  Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name, and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete.  In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.


John J. Wall

Law Student and an American

p.s., also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin & Charlie Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & (Hanoi) Jane Fonda with you.

p.s.s., and you won’t have to press 1 for English when you call our country.



  1. the problem with it Mike is that none of it belongs to you elitests… from the git go the rich have thought they “earned” a right to have what belongs to all, when they got it by exploiting their unfair economic, property, ane social advantages and influence. and when that didn’t work you took it by force from the Indian nations. it is ours, not yours, all of it, not some of it.

    liberally and literally,


    Comment by q — April 6, 2012 @ 7:24 pm | Reply

    • Wow, q, that is quite a statement. So you don’t believe in “life, liberty, and property”? As the author of the agreement suggested, those who don’t believe in private property are not very good at creating community property.

      Comment by Mike Kueber — April 6, 2012 @ 7:38 pm | Reply

  2. so i was convincing then? interesting…

    lefties frequently tell me im an uneducated, ignorant, stupid, sh*t kickin, truck drivin, dumb*ss wreckless, stupid war mongering, ignorant selfish, stupid redneck hick and that’s why i can’t understand their logic. i tell them i understand their logic and i even know where they are making their mistake.

    sounds like i gave you a good progressive answer…


    Comment by q — April 6, 2012 @ 9:48 pm | Reply

    • yup, you did fine, q; guess its all that legal training to make an argument from whichever side pays you.

      Comment by Mike Kueber — April 7, 2012 @ 1:05 pm | Reply

  3. i have no legal training…

    Comment by Q — April 7, 2012 @ 2:42 pm | Reply

    • I thought your dad was a lawyer. Isn’t that how lawyers were trained in the past – i.e., by osmosis (or reading the law)?

      Comment by Mike Kueber — April 7, 2012 @ 5:21 pm | Reply

  4. yes, dad was a lawyer and he definitely taught me the ability to stand back from a situation and see it from multiple perspectives. he also had a process engineer mentality that affected everything from how he played golf to washing a car…

    Comment by Q — April 9, 2012 @ 3:53 pm | Reply

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