Mike Kueber's Blog

May 16, 2012

eHarmony guide to recognizing a “keeper.”

Filed under: Relationships — Mike Kueber @ 3:24 am
Tags: , , ,

I recently posted in my blog about soulmates.  In the posting, I suggested that finding a soulmate goes beyond compatibility and emotional availability:

  • I think of a soulmate as someone with whom you can fully share all of your brain’s output without fear of judgment or recrimination, even when you totally disagree.  Furthermore, you and your soulmate will have the same level of brainpower on subjects of importance so that one doesn’t have to talk down to the other.  Without the ability to completely engage with the other person, you will not be able to thrive.

Today, I received an article from my on-line dating site – eHarmony – that touched on the same subject, but instead of describing a soulmate, it suggested ten things to consider in answering the question – “Is He or She the One?”  Most of the considerations are self-explanatory, but the last two aren’t, so I attached the eHarmony description to those:   

  1. You Share Life Priorities and Values
  2. They’ve Got Your Back
  3. You are Both Comfortable Being Yourselves
  4. They Inspire You to Be the Best Version of Yourself
  5. There’s Minimal Drama
  6. They Manage Conflict and Stressful Situations Well
  7. They Know What Makes You Happy
  8. You Respect and Admire Each Other
  9. The Writing is on the Wall – It is so disappointing when we find someone — and our friends and family are lukewarm in their reception of them at best. When the people who know you best are in complete support of your relationship, they will let you know. And you will likely know that this person is very good for you… and may be “the one.”
  10. They Own Their ‘Stuff’ – and Don’t Expect You to Solve their Problems – We’ve all got baggage. The willingness to own it, work on it, embrace it and not be afraid to look at how we can improve ourselves is a highly desirable trait in a partner. This person knows that they are responsible for their choices — and don’t expect you to fix or fulfill them.

I have two major problems with the eHarmony list.  The first major problem is that any person who completely satisfies all ten considerations would have to be almost be perfect.  Maybe it would be better to call it a Wish List of desirable qualities.  The other major problem is that it doesn’t include any reference to chemistry, and even casual eHarmony users know that chemistry is the sine qua non to being “the one.”  Otherwise Casablanca’s Ilsa Lund would have preferred Victor Laszlo to Rick Blaine.

My minor problem with the eHarmony Wish List is #9.  It suggests that your family and friends have the ability to veto your selection.  Although you will always want to consider the opinion of your family and friends, I would expect them to defer to your judgment.  Thus, #9 is an excellent example of why it is unrealistic to expect to find someone who fully satisfies all ten considerations.

My favorite item on the list is #10.  That Tom Cruise line, “You complete me,” has caused more damage to guy/girl relationships than anything I can think of.  (Even Renee Zellweger dissed the line by responding, “Shut up.  You had me from hello.)  I prefer the following line from a self-help book, “You didn’t break them, and you can’t fix them.”



  1. The line “You complete me” brings back memories of ‘elders’ in YOUR community telling me they were surprised you married as they figured you didn’t think anybody was good enough for you. I let it go for MANY years, raising our chldren – until it was evident that they were very correct in their assessment of your peronality. Nobody is good enough for you. I hope in your e-harmony search that you analyze THAT and build yourself a life not based not only on YOURSELF, but on your love for someone else.

    Comment by Debbie — May 16, 2012 @ 5:08 am | Reply

  2. I was recently out of a divorce. I saw her at Walmart. She was everything I thought I wanted. Young and cute, too young for me perhaps. For 4 years it went on. This false relationship. I put up with the most unusual behaviors and never left her because of my insecurity. She left me 3 times in those 4 years and I took her back each time. The one person to whom I felt so close has left yet again, this time for good. I thank GOD that this time I won’t take her back. I live you Stacy, but I now love myself more…

    Comment by Tim — November 2, 2014 @ 2:42 am | Reply

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