“How to Know a Person” was written by David Brooks. Brooks used to be one of my favorite columnists at the NT Times. He replaced William Safire many years ago, and Safire was previously my favorite, not only because of his enlightened conservative bent, but his interest in words and writing. As Brooks notes in “How to Know a Person,” he was selected to replace Safire because Brooks was a so-called conservative, but just as importantly, not so conservative to irritate the Times’ rabid liberal base.
Since his hiring, Brooks has drifted left and I have drifted right. For that reason, I no longer appreciate his perspective on most things. As James Carville said earlier this week, the Democratic Party is losing its minority base because it has been subjugated by lecturing women and Wokeness. Count Brooks as part of that movement.
Brooks starts his book by describing Diminishers and Illuminators. Diminishers make people feel small and unseen; Illuminators make people feel respected, lit up. Funny story – Churchill’s mother dined with William Gladstone and left thinking he was the cleverest person in England. A few days later she dined with Benjamin Disraeli and left thinking she was the cleverest person in England. Brooks suggests it is better to be like Disraeli for a plethora of reasons, practically and spiritually, and this book is designed to show you the way.
First step – see each person as a unique individual:
- Some obstacles to seeing – egotism (self-centered), anxiety and insecurity, failing to appreciate that everyone’s perspective is different and unique from ours, limited information about the other person, stereotyping, and failure to modify based on new information.
- Some tools to becoming an Illuminator – tenderness, receptivity, active curiosity, affection, generosity, and a holistic attitude.
A small first step – “accompaniment.” “Small talk and just casually being around someone is a vastly underappreciated stage in the process of getting to know someone. Sometimes you learn more about a person by watching how they talk to a waiter than by asking some profound question about their philosophy of life.” I think Brooks could have made his point better by using a more subtle example than the too obvious “treatment of a waiter” example. I’ve heard the same point made about playing golf with someone, and I’m sure Brooks could list several mundane, prosaic examples that reveal one’s character.
The next step – “a good talk.” This reminds me of a concept I first learned from a Catholic philosopher whose name I can’t recall who talked about commonplace “encounters,” like sitting next to a stranger on a train/subway/airplane flight. Brooks focuses more on people that you probably already have a relationship with. In any event, he says that if you can engage in a good talk, you’ll be able to understand the people around you, and if you fail, you will constantly misread them and make them feel misread. “A good conversation is not a group of people making a series of statements at each other. A good conversation is an act of joint exploration.” Suggestions:
- Treat attention as an on/off switch, not a dimmer (be there).
- Be a loud (active) listener.
- Favor familiarity.
- Make them authors, not witnesses.
- Don’t fear the pause.
- Do the looping (repeat what was heard to ensure accuracy.
Asking the right questions.
After laying the groundwork for achieving a good talk in the context of healthy cultural environment, Brooks shifts to conversations in “an environment with political animosities, technological dehumanization, and social breakdown.” He suggests one strategy for so-called “hard conversations” – i.e., conversations across differences and across perceived inequalities. Instead of trying to win an argument by reframing the issue, it is better to avoid that temptation and discuss the matter from their perspective. That makes sense if you aren’t debating something and are more interested in making a connection.
Brooks has a separate chapter dealing with a severely depressed friend. Unfortunately, Brooks’s lifelong best friend recently committed suicide.
A separate chapter on empathy. Obstacles – avoidance, deprivation, overreactivity, and passive aggressive (indirect expression of anger). Ironically, most great men have one of these so-called “sacred flaws,” and it supports their lifetime success. Further, introspection does not cure these flaws; communication does. To improve your empathy:
- Contact theory (get exposed to others; don’t isolate)
- Literature
- Emotion spotting
- Suffering
Although Brooks hates the Myers-Briggs personality test, he strongly believes that it is easier to sense an individual’s uniqueness if you have a vocabulary for various personality traits. The Big Five:
- Extroversion
- Conscientiousness
- Neuroticism
- Agreeableness
- Openness
We need to appreciate that each individual has a series of life tasks, usually engaged sequentially, and discerning an individual’s current life task facilitates understanding that individual:
- The imperial task – show the world that we are in control of our lives. If we fail, we feel inferior; if we succeed, we have self-confidence.
- The interpersonal task – we want to fit in.
- Career consolidation.
- The generative task – leaving an effect on the world.
- Integrity v. despair – coming to terms with your life in the face of death.
Eliciting life stories from individuals can help you understand them and, ultimately, improve your life story, too.
Brooks’s penultimate chapter – “How do your ancestors show up in your life.” Brooks is a big proponent of an individual being inherently shaped by his family and his culture. Generation after generation. Especially his Jewishness, despite his abandoning the religion.
Final chapter – What is Wisdom? Brooks no longer thinks that wisdom is a great critical thinker. Rather wisdom is someone whose conversation leads others to think more critically.
A worthwhile read.